Deep 6 Serial RE-Fryer
If food can’t be fried, it should be deep-fried. If you’re getting less than 638% crispy-to-burned-in grease results from your current lard-oriented appliance, check out the Deep 6 Serial RE-Fryer. (Asbestos pantsuit, steel face mask, and fireproof sunglasses included.)
X-25 Countertop Smokehouse
All right, maybe you have deep-sixed that ham hock, Popsicle, or plate of egg salad (see above), but face the stone-cold facts: Everything, fried or uncooked, tastes better smoked! Developed by the engineers at Crazee Eddie’s I-40 Fireworks Mall, the X-25 Countertop Smokehouse provides Southern seasoning specialists with that extra little bang that makes all the difference in the world.
This space-age device reaps, refines, and dispenses delicious blackstrap molasses out the wazoo. Whip-Whack-N-Froth selector allows users to produce cotton candy bales for late-night snacking.
Employing the same jet engine used in the Batmobile™, the Turbo Yam-Masher denudes, slices, mashes, marshmallow-infuses, and overheats 60 pounds of yams in 3.5 seconds!
Slur-Activated Mint Julep Dispenser
Mint Juleps, a Southern tradition…but as you, your guests, and Derby day wear on, can you be sure your mint juleps remain up to snuff? Conquer your fears, Zelda, and program your Slur-Activated Mint Julep Dispenser for two- through ten-gallon drum productions! Then, sit back, scream (just once!) and hold out your glass. (Packaged with the Nano–Sledge® Aspirin Powdering Mallet.)
Miracle-Lard Drippings Recycler Towel™
Hey, you! Yes, YOU! And all you drunken crackers! (See Slur-Activated Mint Julep Dispenser above). Do your part: Don’t waste valuable lard! The Miracle-Lard Drippings Recycler Towel™ absorbs this natural resource with reinforced fibers that are strong enough to be wrung out—but are soft enough to lightly smear fatback onto the back of your fat back, Jack.
Pork Rind Humidor
Give your salted, pig-oriented, gristle snacks a week or more to soften in the Pork Rind Humidor. Velour lining. Slotted to prevent breakage.
Sweet Milk Fly-Be-Gone™
Sweet milk—it’s not just for Southerners; it’s also popular with Southern ants, flies, and gnats! Luckily, with just a tiny splash of Sweet Milk Fly-Be-Gone™, pitchers of sweet milk can remain fresh and insect-free. (Packaged with Snopes’ Palmetto Bug Tenderizer, General Zebulon Cajun’s YEEEEEHAW™ Scorpion Sauce, and ZORTEX® Country Brand Alligator Helper. (“ZORTEX®—I’m a-thinkin’ country, dag-a-nabbit!”©)
X-Potato Cloning Machine®
You can’t have too much of the white vegetable in your diet. The X-Potato Cloning Machine®, built on TVA tabletop fission technology, produces and reproduces a limitless supply of the South’s favorite tuber. (Packaged with the Pinto Bean Gravel Delouser™, which prospects beans for gravel, twigs, and fingers.)
A cousin of the Turbo Yam-Masher Deluxe™, the ergonomic Biscuit-Trivet3000™ remedies “biscuit elbow” and corrects neck and back strain caused by bad table manners. Plays inspirational digital message (“Now, if you don’t have fourths, Mama’s gonna be insulted.”) when trivet is not rotated regularly.
MillenniumChicken Barbecue Pit
Set this sucker on “Picnic”—and step back, Jack and Billy Jack. The MillenniumChicken Barbecue Pit marinates, heats, rotates, and curses liberally (on conservative subjects). Drumstick-shaped digital controls add retro, 20th-century, Grand Ole Opry verisimilitude to any excessively Southern kitchen or driveway.
This tasty-like treat is safe for anyone on a low-sugar diet—and it’s fortified with calcium for strong teeth and bones! Manufactured by the people now perfecting Ham Hoax™ Beta (the synthetic pork chop) and Soo-eee Chop Sooo-eeee Synthetic Mushi Pork Deluxe (for the Southern cosmopolitan/vegetarian in us all).
ElectroWhoop-Ass Can Opener™
Even with the conveniences that the 21st century technology brings, every Southern cook must be allowed the indulgence of a shoot-em-up tantrum or three. Should your Biscuit-Trivet3000™ burn a bearing or should your Turbo Yam Masher throw a rod, be assured, there is vicarious and socially acceptable emotional recourse…with the fully automated ElectroWhoop-Ass Can Opener™. Bundled with “Oh my goodness!,” “Shoot!,” and “As a matter of fact, YES, my Panties ARE In A Bunch!” digital audio tantrum modules.
Chris Sumberg has had short stories and humor pieces published in Bitter Empire, The Partially Examined Life, Broad Street Review, Urbanite, Story|Houston, Chronogram, Temp Slave, Orion Magazine (online), The Guardian (U.K., reprint – “Our Reads of the Week”), Binx Street, and in other magazines and journals.
(Photo credit: Flickr.)